Terry Meiners

Fat? No. Phat? You betcha.

Click the photo to hear an Obama impersonator make "Jessica is fat" jokes.

The C doesn't stand for "cleanliness"

The Power of Positive Imagery: How to use a poor grade from the Louisville Metro Health Department to your advantage.

I love to pieces all of my nieces

Amanda Milburn, Terry Meiners, Melissa Meiners, and Danielle Milburn; October 26, 2008. These young ladies are but three of my parents' 49 nearly flawless grandchildren. I've begged my siblings to GET BUSY! We need a nice round number like 50!

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don't want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won't tell me.” Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There's no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There's no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There's no Santa’ speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.”

The 55th WHAS Crusade for Children final tally topped last year's by about $80,000. Co-host Terry Meiners cheered while Crusade CEO Rebecca Jackson shook hands with co-host Melissa Swan as collectors from New Albany and Fern Creek looked on. [photo: David Lutman, The Courier-Journal, June 8, 2008]

Advanced hydraulics

Gastroenterologists are stunned.

Proof: Walrus smarter than Terry Meiners

THE FATHER / DAUGHTER TALK

A young woman was about to finish her first year of College. Like so many kids her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the “Redistribution of Wealth in the United States" as professed by her professors.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican. This was a feeling she openly and often expressed. Based on lectures she had participated in at college, and the occasional chat with professors, she felt her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what was rightfully his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she adamantly indicated so to her father.

The Father responded by asking, “How are you doing in school, Honey”.

Taken aback, she answered, “Dad, I have a 4.0 GPA, and let me tell you, it is tough to maintain. I’m taking a very difficult course load and constantly studying. It leaves me no time to go out and party a lot of my friends. I don't even have time for a boyfriend, and I don't really have many college friends because I spend all my time studying”.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Well why don't you go to the Dean's Office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off of your GPA and give it to Audrey who only has a 2.0 GPA. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA’s."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair!” She screamed, “I have worked really hard for my 4.0 GPA! I've invested a lot of time, and hard work to get those grades! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She has played while I have worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Terry and Dr. Dunkenstein

TERRY'S ALL-TIME FAVORITE ENGLISH LESSON

How to write goodly!!

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The telephone order request must've been, "Put 'Best Wishes Suzanne.' Underneath that, 'We Will Miss You.'"

You know you're like Terry Meiners if...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your nonworking TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Randy Davidson & Terry Meiners, 1993. Click the cassette to hear a "Best of" compilation from WHAS Radio.

If she appears to be turning left, you're using your left brain. If she's moving right, then you're using your right brain. If you see it both ways, your IQ is above 160, Einstein.

If you see this record turning either right or left, you're drunk.

Other Terry Meiners sites:

WHAS Radio Personality Page

Hey Terry .com

Terry Meiners on Facebook

This News.com

Terry Meiners MySpace Page

Terry2X .com

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

Always check your child's homework